When the pain makes me hurt myself

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TW : I had a very difficult childhood. My mother was always busy with office work. She rarely used to be at home. While my father stayed at home, as much as I remember he used to be continuously angry. He used to break things whenever he was angry. It got worse as I grew up. I remember the day; I was 11 years old; my father and I had gone shopping. Like any other child at that age, I persisted that my father buys me the doll; and from nowhere and in the midst of all people at the market, he slapped me. The picture is so vivid in my head, everyone was staring at me. I remember my father’s angry face. I remember the sound of my own cry. That was the first time he physically abused me.

After that incident, it was like a daily routine. Patterns changed at home. Earlier, he used to break things whenever he was angry. Now, I was his favorite punching bag. I spoke to my mother about this but she did not care to respond or take an action. The painful story of my life began. From the age of 14, I started to self-harm. I started to feel that whatever was happening around me and with me was wrong. I did not know where to get proper help.

At the age of 15, I had a very bad panic attack at my school. That incident changed my relationship at my school; I felt more alone as everyone at school ignore or distanced me. Kids in my class used to be scared because of me they feared my panic attack. Since then, my friends started calling me with the name, “miss emotional.” I remember during lunch breaks I used to sit alone in the library and have my lunch.

At the age of 21, I moved out of my home. I got into a good university. I thought this time I will start everything new. But my experiences of my childhood did not leave me. I was having nightmares of my father abusing me and my mother’s neglectful behavior and the kids at my school laughing at me. My self-harming behavior got worse. I knew I had to get help.

One of my friends suggested that I see a therapist. After the first session, I got to know, I had severe anxiety, depression, and PTSD. I got to know that self-harming was my response to the triggers around me. Over the last 2 years of therapy, I am back on my feet and handling the triggers much better. I have not had a panic attack in a very long time and I am 4 years clean of self-harming. My bad days still exist, but I know how to respond better. Isn’t it wonderful? I am joyed. I now go on trips to enjoy nature. I want to make the best of my present.

(Permission is taken from the person)

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